The Complete Gospel According to Muhammad

  • Foreword

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    All religions are the same! Saying otherwise makes you a bigot.

    And you don’t want to be a bigot, right?

    So stop thinking and accept the new truth:

    Islam = Christianity
    Fourteen centuries of war = Peace
    Religious hate = Love
    Closing your eyes = Seeing the truth

    As for the gospels, they need a serious overhaul to make them more “multicultural”. Forget all you thought to know about the life of Jesus. You are now holding the new and corrected version of the Christian Bible, ready for an exciting 21st century! It’s even better than the previous falsification update.

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    Children everywhere are being taught the updated message of Christ! (Source: Sharia protests by Islamic fundamentalists in the Middle East).

    Not only is this book now finally compliant with all forms of progressive and islamic ideology, you’ll find that it lacks all the dull parts of the original and was enriched with some saucy and thrilling new stories! I hope this Updated Gospel will inspire you to lead a better life.

    PS: click here for the real foreword

  • Introduction

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    Jesus and his disciples roaming the land (based on Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (1887), Viktor Mikhailovich Vasnetsov)

    (Matthew 1:1, Matthew 4:23-24)

    This is the written record of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham, as recorded by Muhammad, praised be his name.

    Jesus travelled throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and telling the good news of the kingdom, and healing all the people from their diseases and illnesses with camel urine158. News about him went all over Syria, and they brought to him everyone who was sick, tormented by seizures, demon-possessed, mentally ill, paralyzed—and he healed them (but only if they were Christians)66.

  • Chapter 1: The first stone
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    Jesus throwing the first stone (Based on The Martyrdom of St. Stephen by Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld)

     (John 8:3-7)

    One day, the religious teachers and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught committing adultery and made her stand centre stage. “Teacher, we found this woman in the very act of adultery,” they told him. “Moses in the Law commanded us to stone such people to death. So what do you say?”

    But Jesus just bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. Since they went on demanding an answer, he stood up and told them:

    “Let your innocent one cast the first stone onto her.”Let each of you take a stone from the ground, not too big that it will kill immediately, but not too small so that is not a stone”6.

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    In the Christian republic of Afghanistan, devout Updated Evangelists are punishing a young woman (Rokhshana, 19) for adultery (2015).

    And the Pharisees and his disciples complied, and they took the adulterer to the place of worship and placed her in the middle of an open place, and Jesus said:

    Now throw your stones to undo this evil”, and having heard these words, those around him started casting their stones.

    The man who had partaken in the fornication stood by and on hearing the screams of his beloved one, rushed to her side and tried to shield her body, but there were too many believers trying to please their Lord and soon the two adulterers succumbed next to one another5.

    And when they were both covered with stones and sure to be dead, Jesus blessed the people around him, and then he retired with his disciples, who were pleased to have performed this holy act.

     

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    Sometimes, fundamentalists only flog adulterers, lucky them! (from: 2015 punishment of adulturess in Afghanistan).

     

    Comments:

    The relaxed attitude of Jesus (in the real gospel) towards the unfaithful woman stands in stark contrast to the punishment in Islamic law. The Quran does not prescribe stoning as a punishment for any crime (but mentions lashing as punishment for adultery). However, numerous Hadiths contain stoning as a punishment for adultery2 3 4 .

    As for empirical evidence: Saudi Arabia executed four people by stoning during the 1980s. Iran placed a moratorium on rajm (stoning) in 2002 but still allows individual judges to pass the sentence. By the way: the story about the man shielding his mistress is no invention of mine: this is straight from the Hadiths (Sahih Bukhari 6:60:795 ).

  • Chapter 2 : Fishers of men
    pirate2
    Jesus Christ: the scourge of the seven seas (Based on Tintoretto, Jacopo – Christ at the Sea of Galilee)

    (Matthew 4:8)

    As he walked by the sea of Galilea Jesus saw two brothers: Simon, (called Peter), and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net in the sea, for they were fishermen.

    “Come and follow me, and I will make you fishers of men,” he told them. Right away they left their nets and followed him and his companions.

    And they boarded a mighty ship and sailed many days on the high seas, until they came upon a lone merchantman carrying precious cargo. And then Jesus distributed eyelaps and cutlasses, and strange talking birds to put on their shoulders and he spoke:

    “Raise now our black flag, so it may strike terror in our enemies’ hearts. 37

    And the sailors of the other ship saw this sign, and they said to one another: “Lo and behold! It is the ship of the Christ! All that oppose him are doomed!”

    And they struggled with their captain and after some time forced him to strike his colours, and to give themselves up unto the mercy of the Christians. And Jesus boarded the ship and demanded the captain be brought before him.

    “Why did you not surrender immediately, knowing I am the son of God?”

    And the captain in his arrogance responded: “I pray to a different God, and you are not his son.”

    And Peter punished the blasphemer for his insolence with a swift stroke of his sword, and then brought his head before the feet of the Saviour45. And Jesus said: “This is a ship of unbelievers, therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.37” And so it happened, and it pleased the Lord.

    Belowdecks his followers found many treasures, and also some women who had hidden themselves. “And what are we to do now with these goods, Lord?” Asked Andrew the apostle.

    “So enjoy what you took as booty; the spoils are lawful and good.9

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    Some modern day adherents of the Updated Gospel are following in the footsteps 163 of their Noble Example. (Picture of a modern-day somalian pirate)

    But his disciples were worried:

    “Lord, we have been at sea for some time now, and would like to rape these female slaves – as is our custom77. But if we get them pregnant their price will fall! Should we perform coitus interruptus?”

    And Jesus said: “If you rape your slaves, you should not withdraw too soon86. If God wants them to become pregnant, you should not go against his will!”

    In 2014, terror militia “Boko Haram” abducted 276 schoolgirls. 164 They were forced to convert to the Religion of Peace and sexually abused (some became pregnant).

    After they had enjoyed themselves with their sex-slaves, the Christians resumed their journey. On a certain day all wind failed them. They were alone for many days on a sea with no waves. At this time, all suffered terrible thirst, and his disciples asked him:

    “Lord can you not perform a miracle, and walk across the water and get us some relief.”

    And the Saviour responded:

    “Why would I walk on the water if my Father in heaven has sent me all that I need right here, ye of little faith.” And he asked that they should bring him one of the captured women, and Jesus spent the night with her 75.

    And the next day the winds came again and all rejoiced, and they went on to do God’s work on many other ships before they returned home. And the Lord’s bounty was so plentiful, they had to hide many treasures in chests on the beaches of faraway islands.

    Comments:

    Piracy and slave trading are old traditions in the Islamic world. One of the first foreign wars of the young United States was against the North African nations called the “Barbary States”, who captured American merchantmen and enslaved them. When asked why they were hostile to a country that had caused them no harm, the Barbary emissary allegedly responded they based their actions on Islamic teachings (text copied from wikipedia.com):

    It was written in their Koran, that all nations which had not acknowledged the Prophet were sinners, whom it was the right and duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave; and that every mussulman who was slain in this warfare was sure to go to paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy’s ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once.”

    The Barbary pirates asked for a ransom. Thomas Jefferson refused and war soon followed. The US Marine Corps ‘ officers wear Mameluke swords to commemorate this conflict, and there’s a reference to it in the Marine Hymn as well (“From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, …”.

    Decatur Boarding the Tripolitan Gunboat, by Dennis M. Carter (Scene from the first Barbary war)

    If you think I’m exaggerating with the “coitus interruptus” story: cfr Sahih Bukhari (34:432). The Sahih Bukhari is considered to be the most valuable collection of Hadiths  in Sunni islam.

  • Chapter 3 : The sermon on the mount
    mount
    Based on The sermon of the mount, by Bloch

    (Matthew 4: 23,25, Matthew 5:1-12:)

    Jesus continued his travels throughout Galilee. Large crowds follow him from Galilee, Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea, and the region beyond Jordan.

    When Jesus saw the crowds he went up the mountain. He sat down and his disciples joined him. He started to teach them, saying:

    Related image
    Filmmaker Theo Van Gogh was murdered in the streets of Amsterdam for insulting the Updated Gospel (2014). A message of oecomenical love was pinned to his chest (!) with a knife. Theo’s  last words were “can’t we talk about it?”.  Apparently not. (Note: At the funeral of this victim of Jihad, his friend and comedian Hans Teeuwen made fun of Islam and he was asked to explain himself in a Dutch-Muslim tv show. The result was an inspiring  defense of freedom of speech.)

    “Blessed are those who are kind to their fellow believers, for they will be given the world; but remember not to become friendly with the Jews and other infidels 68.

    Blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness to fight the holy war for their religion, for God will elevate their position in Paradise by a hundred fold: this deed  is surely among the best43.

    Blessed are those who are merciful amongst themselves, but who are ruthless to the unbelievers67.

    Blessed are those who make peace if it is necessary to prevent greater loss, because they will be called children of God, and it will allow us to fight another day16.

    Blessed are those who’ve been persecuted who persecute and murder the blasphemers, for God is on their side. If you think I like satire, think again! 28

    Celebrate and be happy for your compensation in heaven will be great, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. And if you sacrifice your life in the holy struggle there will be beautiful women awaiting you in paradise to please you in many ways.119

     

    Comments:

    The sermon on the mount is one of the best known teachings of Jesus and considered to contain the core ideologies of Christianity. Some of the values herein are in direct opposition to the ones we find in the Quran and the collections of Hadiths.

  • Chapter 4: The slap on the cheek
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    Jesus about to slap a cheek (Based on Aelbrecht Bouts, the third appearance)

    (Matthew 5:38 – 42)

    “You’ve heard that it was said, ‘An eye in place of an eye, and a tooth in place of a tooth.’ And I tell you, this is the Holy truth.So Jesus told his disciples: “Whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek to him strike his cheek as well49; and to whoever wants to get a judgement against you and takes your shirt, you must take all his posessions from him; and if someone forces you to go one mile, cut off his feet so he can walk no more35. Give to whoever asks you, and lend to whoever wants to borrow from you—but only if they are other Christians66.

    Comments:

    This is of course one of the most original and central values in the gospels: to make life better, we should (in an ideal world) rather sacrifice ourselves than use violence in our defense. The concept of “turning the other cheek” is completely unknown in the holy texts of the muslim world. When you’re attacked, you fight back. And you fight back in a gruesome way (see Quran (5:33)35 in the sources).

  • Chapter 5 : Hate your enemies
    Image result for cairo cathedral
    Followers of the Updated Gospel frequently help people from other faiths by redecorating places of worship (Scene after the bombing of St. Peter’s and St. Paul’s church, Cairo, 2016)

    (Matthew 5:43-48)

    “You’ve heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.”  Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  This is the truth8. You must put all your efforts in the Holy War. And so, you may become children of your heavenly Father.

    Loving your friends an family is one thing, but don’t even the Infidels do that? Once more, love alone will not save you. You must be ready to fight for your faith7, and only then you’ll be perfectly mature, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

    London Muslim Protest 5
    Christian immigrants following the Updated Gospel are known to integrate well in their local communities!

     

    Comments:

    In the original verses of the gospel Jesus expands the concept of “turn your other cheek” . Not only should you refrain from revenge when faced with violence, you should actually love your enemies and wish them the best. I presume even devout christians will find this hard to do. Needless to say, there is nothing remotely like it found in the Quran.

  • Chapter 6 : The bible verse of the sword
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    Jesus spreading the swords (based on: Oath of the Horatii, Jacques-Louis David)

    (Matthew 10:34-36)

    Do not think that I came to spread peace on the earth. I came not to spread peace, but the sword. For I came to divide a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, a a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s enemies are those of his own household. He who loves his father or mother above me is not worthy of me.

    And there was much confusion among his followers.

    And Peter the disciple said: “But Lord, are you saying we have to raise our swords to fight the unbelievers, even if they are our beloved-ones? Are you not speaking in metaphors again, like you so often do?”

    And Jesus answered: “You are a fool, surely, to doubt the words of your teacher. When I say I come to spread the sword, I mean this literally. Cut down the unbelievers, even if it are members of your family. Murder is better than to allow faithlessness. 107

    Comments:
    “I came not to spread peace, but the sword!”. This verse is often used to “prove” that Jesus too called for violence. It’s clear to every honest reader of the original chapter in the Gospel that “sword” is used as a metaphor for “strife”. It would be very strange indeed for Jesus to prohibit all sorts of violence in his defense (see: the last supper), and even to literally say “do not kill” in Matthew 19:17 – 19 , and then ask his followers to “spread the sword”. (Jesus talks about why he uses illustrations and metaphors in Matthew 13:10-13).

    The Quran, on the other hand, literally states that disbelief is worse than murder . 107 There is no reason to think that all the calls for violence and murder in the Quran and Hadiths are “metaphors” taken out of context, although islamist apologists will try to convince you of it. The first Caliphs certainly did not interpret the religious texts as “metaphors” while they were conquering Persia and North Africa during the first Islamic expansion. Neither did Muhammad in his many raids and wars.

    The word “Jihad’ is sometimes translated as “non violent strife”, but this was not the interpretation of the oldest and most respected Islamic scholars.

  • Chapter 7 : Thou shalt steal
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    Based on “Dulle Griet”, Pieter Breughel the elder, 1562

    (Matthew 19:16 – 19)

    When Jesus finished speaking he left Galilee and went to the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed those who were sick there.

    A man came to Jesus and asked him, “Teacher, what good do I need to do to get eternal life?”

    “If you want to enter such life, then keep the commandments,” Jesus replied.

    “Which ones?” the man asked him.

    “First of all, don’t steal. This is different of course if you take from sinners. 13

    And then there was much confusion among his disciples.

    “How shall we know who are the sinners, my Lord”, asked the man.

    And Jesus went and took two branches from the earth, one that was withered and dry, and one that was full of life and carrying leaves.

    “Look upon these branches. Can you say they are one and the same? The dry leaf is the unbeliever, and the flourishing one is the faithful.”

    Holding up the living branch, Jesus said:

    “Stealing from your fellow Christians will displease my Father, and you should know that the hand that steals will be cut off11.” And he cut the branch in two parts with a knife.

    “But as for the unfaithful, take from them what you want. They are unworthy of your mercy.” And he cast the dry branch to the ground and trampled it.

    And the Saviour continued:

    Stealing can also be forgiven if you are waging the Holy war.”

    “How so?” asked the man.

    If it is in the interest of our faith, then you must fight the unbelievers. And when you have conquered your enemy, know that my Father allows you to use the spoils of war as you please, for they are your rewards for the faith that you have shown.9

     

    Comments:

    In the original chapter Jesus condenses his entire philosophy in one sentence: “Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t commit perjury, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.” I have altered the conversation from the Gospel to make it Islam-compliant on these issues.

    Starting with theft: as a way to entice young military-age men to join his cause, Muhammad allowed not only stealing but violent robbery as long as it was helpful to the cause of spreading his religion (when the crime was committed against unbelievers). 13 According to islamic law, stealing from muslims11 should be punished by amputation of the hand (this is a “Sahih Hadith”, meaning authentic and of the highest value).

    This dichotomy between muslims and non-muslims is also important in international relations: the traditional Islamic worldview divides the world in muslim – majority lands (the “house of peace” or “Dar al-Islam”) and  in the lands of the unbelievers (the “house of war” or “Dar al-Harb”).

  • Chapter 8 : Thou shalt lie
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    Based on “Christus Pantocrator”, Cathedral of Cefalu, Palermo

    (Matthew 19:17 – 19)

    And Jesus continued his instruction of the believer.

    “You should not commit perjury. Unless of course, your lies will end the strife between two persons, like a husband and a wife.24,26

    But an onlooker asked: “And what if the infidels threaten us, o Lord, and we dare not say we are your followers?”

    And Jesus said: “That is another exception. If you can avoid harm by it, act as if you are a friend of the infidels16. God will forgive your lie. Know that your time for revenge will come, and be patient.”

    And then Jesus called his closest disciples to him and with hushed voice he said:

    “Also, you can lie to infidels all you want if it is necessary to win battles, of course. We’re not here to lose this holy war because of honesty. Ambush them, deceive them, break your oaths… do whatever it takes. Pacts with unbelievers have no value. God will forgive all your lies in the fight against the infidels.17

    Comments:

    We continue with the topic of “lying”. Being truthful is one of those classic Christian values. Islamic law on the other hand has an entire classification system to determine when it’s allowed to tell a lie. The best known form is Taqiyya, which roughly means deception to further the cause of Islam (e.g. betraying unbelievers to win a battle, hiding your religion to prevent persecution).

    Imam Fawas Damra (seen here hugging a Catholic bishop) was knwon as a moderate cleric, teaching about interfaith dialogue at Cleveland State University. Meanwhile, he was secretly preaching Jihad and raising money for terrorists. He was finally extradited 165 from the US in 2007. This is not an isolated case.

    Other examples of permitted lying are “white lies” to make peace between a man and his wife (I wonder if good relationships promoted by lying are truly a good idea in the long term, but that’s another topic). If a religion officially sanctions lying to infidels, we can ask ourselves why anyone would believe muslim clerics who say they have peaceful intentions. Sometimes, lying isn’t even necessary: establishment politicians and media outlets go to extreme lenghts to hide all inconvenient truths about the Islamic texts (and even censor critics).166

     

  • Chapter 9: Thou shalt kill
    axeman2
    Based on “Christ with thorns”, Carl Heinrich Bloch, 1890

    (Matthew 19:17 – 19)

    And Jesus still continued his instruction of the believer.

    “Lastly, do not murder your fellow Christians.

    And it became quiet for a while.

    “But lord,” asked the disciple, breaking the silence, “are we then free to hurt the infidels?”

    “Be kind to those who do not believe as we believe, especially during the months of fasting. But when the forbidden months are past, then fight and slay the Pagans wherever ye find them, and seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in ambushes; but if they repent, and establish regular prayers and practice regular charity, then open the way for them.105

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    A Jordanian cleric, Abdullah el-Alawneh, spreading words of love. (2015, source: MEMRI)

    And the man cast his eyes to the ground in shame.

    “Why do you look away, do you not trust in the word of your Lord?” Asked jesus.

    It is unnatural for me to murder a fellow human. I cannot act in this way.” Responded the man, and he felt unworthy.

    And the Lord saw that there was much unrest in his heart, and he laid an arm on the disciple’s shoulder and reassured him thusly:

    Fighting is prescribed for you, and you dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But God knoweth, and you know not.36 Therefore, stop your resistance and act as your lord commands.”

    But the man was still in doubt, and now Jesus grew angry:

    It is not fitting for a Believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by God and His Messenger to have any option about their decision.121 This is not a democracy. Just do as you are told by your betters!”

    Image result for democracy hypocrisy placard
    Who needs democracy? The Updated Gospel is the unchangeable and perfect word of God! (picture from sharia protests in London, 2011)

    And the man felt strengthened by the words of Jesus: “I will mend my ways, and be ruthless against your enemies from now on. Surely God in heaven loves those who do battle in his honor.”

    And he kneeled before his Saviour and received his blessing, and then took a sword from his home and went on his way to do the good work of the Lord, and Jesus was pleased.

    Comments:

    We continue with Matthew 19 and reach the topic of murder, something Jesus did not approve of. In his aggressive wars against unbelievers, Muhammad’s soldiers killed and tortured in front of his eyes with his approval. As always there is a clear distinction: you are not allowed to kill muslims. Killing infidels in an aggressive war to capture their possessions or conquer their lands is clearly sanctioned and encouraged in traditional Islam (based on the actions of the “noble example”, Muhammad himself).

  • Chapter 10: Divorce, divorce, divorce
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    These ladies show no respect for the Updated Gospel… they are Christophobes! (From: the 2017 banning of triple Talaq in India)

    (Matthew 19:1 -14)

    When Jesus finished speaking he left Galilee and went to the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed those who were sick there with camel urine (!) 158.

    Some Pharisees came to put him to the test. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” they asked.

    Jesus replied, “Haven’t you read that the one who created people in the beginning made them male and female? And the men are a degree above the women. Men are in charge of women because God hath made the one of them excel the other. So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which God hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them.” 133

    And his disciples asked:

    “And if we want to satisfy our lusts in strange and… exotic ways, and our wife does not agree?”

    And Jesus said: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will. 54 And if she keeps refusing: say “I divorce you” three times138 and send her away, and our Heavenly Father who is all-wise will have mercy on you. This is all that is necessary for a divorce.”

    But the Pharisees responded:

    “Then why did Moses command a man to give his wife a written certificate of divorce and send her away?” they asked.

    “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives with a written certificate, but it wasn’t like that in the beginning,” Jesus responded. “I tell you, this creates far too much red tape and administration. After all, women are the property of men.137 Do you have to write a certificate each and every time you throw away a rotten apple or sell a camel? Just speak the words three times, and the Heavens will be satisfied.”

     

    Comments:

    Apparently Jesus allows men to divorce only when their wives are unfaithful. Islam is a bit more “liberal” for men in this respect: anytime a wife is not menstruating, a husband may divorce her by saying, “I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you,” effectively throwing her out on the street and leaving him free to marry again. This is very controversial and not practiced in the mainstream muslim community. However, it was approved of by Muhammad (see: Islamic Sources). As late as 2017 a court in India banned the “triple Talaq”, proving it is still a common occurence (there was significant backlash from traditional muslims).167

    Image result for cleric television on beating wife
    An Egyptian cleric on wife-beating (2010, source: MEMRI).
  • Chapter 11 : Let the children come to me

     

    If the Updated Jesus did it, it can’t be bad right? (from: national geographic documentary on child brides)

    (Matthew 19:1 -14)

    The people brought little children to him so he could bless them and pray for them, but the disciples told the people off.

    But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me—don’t stop them. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them! We will send them to religious schools to instill in them a lust for the Holy War! But not the girls of course, because they lack intelligence.139

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    In Updated Bible Schools 168 throughout the world, children are schooled in love and tolerance. 

    He then placed his hands on them to bless them, and chose the prettiest girl of them all and he asked the girl’s father:

    How old is she? You should know that I desire her greatly.”

    And the father responded that the child was nine years old, and that he was honored that the son of God wanted to wed his daughter. So the next day they took the child to a house where the women of her family washed her, blessed her and wished her good luck and then they entrusted her to the Lord, and that night Jesus was very pleased indeed53.

    Comments:

    Marrying a 9 year old girl is called pedophilia nowadays, prophet or not. The fact that Muhammad did it inspires fundamentalists throughout the world to follow in his footsteps. Forced marriages of underage girls is still a common occurence in the Islamic world. Regarding the boys: madrasa’s (Islamic religious schools) sometimes become hotbeds of radicalisation, with teachers encouraging students to join terrorist militias.

  • Chapter 12 : Homosexuality
    gays2.jpeg
    Execution of a gay man in Iran. (note: I gave one of the guards a pussy hat: let us never forget the hypocrisy of the feminist – LGBT – islamism alliance.)

    (Matthew 19:4 -6)

    And the next day, Jesus continued his lessons:

    “And as for the sodomisers: when I say “man unites with his wife”, that is what I mean. Literally. No other unions are allowed. Those who practice their lusts on men in preference to women: they are surely a people transgressing beyond bounds.58 They commit an abomination such as no creature ever did before them.59

    “But what must the punishment be, my lord?” his followers asked.

    “The sin of homosexuality is even greater than adultery.59 And you all know how we punish that one.”

    His followers looked anxiously at one another, for they remembered the last stoning of an adulterer they had witnessed and could not imagine anything worse.

    “Just use your imagination, which has been given to you by our Heavenly father,” spoke Jesus. “I am certain you will come up with something extraordinary. And in my mercy I will give you a clue: tall buildings.” And he blessed them and went on his way.

    Isisgay.jpg
    In 2015, the Islamic State fundamentalists Updated Evangelists in syria were known to execute gays by throwing them off buildings.

    Comments:

    These biblical verses (… made them male and female…) are sometimes used to argue that Jesus was against homosexuality, although he never touches the subject directly (nor does he come close to suggest punishment for it). Traditional Christian communities consider homosexuality a sin, and there are still many Western countries that do not treat gays equally. However, to my knowledge these countries do not order torture or death penalties for different sexual orientations.

    orlandocleric
    In 2016, Sheikh Farrokh Sekaleshfar told an audience in Orlando that Islam condemns gays to death. A few weeks later in the same city,  fundamentalist Omar Mateen shot 49 people in a gay night club. The Sheikh responded that he just gave a “theoretical angle as to what Islam says.” Authorities at first denied any connection with Islamism.

    Islam clearly condemns homosexuality, and some islamic traditions demand severe punishment for it based on the interpretation of the religious texts (see “islamic sources” for yourself). In fundamentalist muslim communities, homosexuals are sometimes hanged (e.g. Iran) or thrown off buildings. Anno 2017, all countries with capital punishment for gays are Islamic: Afghanistan, Brunei, Mauritania (only applies to Muslim men), Sudan (for a third conviction), Northern Nigeria (where several states have adopted sharia law), Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Qatar (applies only to Muslims, for extramarital-sex regardless of the gender of the participants), Somalia (where several southern states have adopted sharia law), Iran, Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant.

  • Chapter 13 : Fasting
    Fasting believers spreading the warm message of Christ by burning cars – a yearly occurence in some European Updated Christian ghettoes.

    (Matthew 6:16-18)

    And in the holy months Jesus retreated to a grove of trees with his followers and started to fast, and then some of his disciples felt weakened and unhappy because of the hunger they had to endure. So they asked the Lord:

    “Can we not eat something, o Lord, so we may feel more comfortable.”

    But Jesus replied:

    “Interrupting the fast is a serious sin, and you should not crave food but eternal bliss in paradise. But if you are not comfortable, you can always unload your burdens on the infidels so you may feel more at ease.”

    And John the disciple asked: “How so my lord?”

    And Jesus said:

    “If you feel weak or unhappy, just do God’s work and he will reward you for it. Find a village with infidels and punish them for their intransigence. They will feel the wrath of the righteous, and have no mercy on them for God is harsh to those who reject him.67

    But some were not convinced because in that region of Galilea there were much more unbelievers than believers, and they feared retribution. And upon hearing this Jesus said:

    “If the infidels are too numerous, and you fear attacking them, then just make sure that you complain a lot about how hard your life is. Be sure to put on sad faces and make yourselves look horrible so that you can make it obvious to people that you are fasting. This will also unburden you. And if they grow tired of your complaining, then demand that they too join in the fasting. And if they refuse still, then perform only half of the chores your master demands of you, and tell them your weakness does not allow you to work any harder. And in this way they will notice you, as they should.”

    Comments:

    Jesus asks his followers to make sure nobody sees they’re fasting, and “not [to]put up sad faces.” The hypothetical “perfect Christian fast” therefore goes by unnoticed. The Islamic holy month of Ramadan fasting however tends to result in a surge of terrorism and religious violence in the Middle East. The large muslim populations that have been invited in by socialist politicians in Europe are known to copy this behaviour (with mass burning of cars in Parisian suburbs for example). If there is no violence, you might still notice it’s Ramadan: some of your muslim colleagues at work will show clear signs of exhaustion and irritation once their sugar dip starts in the afternoon (thanks to the typical night-time Ramadan sugar-bomb snacking). However, there are many muslim employees who fast with dignity and refrain from whining so this is not universal.

  • Chapter 14 : The bad samaritan
    Image result for the human skeleton vesalius
    Still waiting to get help from an Updated Samaritan…

    (Luke 10:25-37)

    One time an expert in religious law stood up to try to trap Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “What should I do so I can receive eternal life?” “What does the written law say? How do you interpret it?” asked Jesus. “You should love the Lord your God with your whole heart, and your whole spirit, and your whole strength, and your whole mind, and love your neighbour as yourself,” the man answered.

    You’ve answered wrongly,” Jesus told him, “The best deeds are belief in God and fighting for His cause. Loving others is not enough.43” But the man, wanting to prove himself right, asked Jesus, “And should I love my neighbours?”

    “There was a man who went down from Jerusalem to Jericho,” Jesus said in reply. “He was attacked by robbers who stripped him and beat him up. They left him for half-dead. By chance a priest was going the same way, and saw the man. But he passed by on the opposite side of the road. In the same way a Levite, when he got to the place and saw the man, he also passed by on the opposite side of the road. But then one of my disciples, a believer in the true God, came along. As he was passing by, he saw the man and took pity on him. He went over to him and bandaged the man’s wounds, treating them with oil and wine.

    So which one of these people, do you think, was really doing God’s work?”

    “The one who showed kindness to him,” the man replied.

    “Clearly you have learned nothing.” Jesus told him. “For the man was a disbeliever, and you must never be a helper to those people66. Those with me are hard against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves67. If God wanted to punish this man, it was because of the man’s sinful nature62. The only ones who truly did good work were the robbers who punished the infidel through God’s divine will. If he had been a fellow Christian, helping him would have been allowed.65

    Pictured left: A young girl from the tribe who has not converted to Islam. Right: Another girl of a similar age wearing a hijab after becoming a Muslim. An elder in the tribe said the government might now begin listening to their problems after their conversion 
    Two girls of the Orang Rimba tribe in Indonesia. The one on the right converted to the Updated Gospel. Guess which one gets government support for healthcare and education and which one doesn’t?173 Remember: an Updated Samaritan helps only other Samaritans.

     

     

    Comments:

    This chapter reveals another core value of Christianity: help others, even if they are of a different faith or enemies. Some islamic sources demand the exact opposite and even disallow giving alms to infidels. Even becoming friends with infidels is literally forbidden. Maybe this aversion of selfless charity explains why, during the 2015 refugee crisis, Saudi Arabia and other super-rich oil states accepted almost no refugees but demanded European nations to open their borders. It has been discovered that some large Islamic charities only donate to muslim communities 169 or even sponsor terrorism. 170 This has lead to some of them being blacklisted. 171 From the news: in 2017, in Sudan, certain refugees were asked to recite islamic prayers before receiving food.172

  • Chapter 15 : The unaccompanied woman
    whip.jpeg
    Jesus flogging one of his disobedient wives (based on Noli Me Tangere by Antonio Allegri Da Correggio)

    (Matthew 15:21-28)

    Jesus left and went to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite women from there came and cried out loud, “Lord, son of David, please have mercy on me.”

    “It’s not right to take the children’s food and throw it to the puppies,” Jesus told her.

    “Yes, Lord, but even the puppies can eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table,” she replied.

    Now the apostle Matthew lost his patience and he said:

    Why do you not lower your gaze in the presence of men?”131

    But the woman kept begging and then Matthew started to beat her to chase her away95, for she was not behaving in a chaste way as befits a woman. Jesus was smiling and said: “Look at him, he’s truly in a holy state. But enough of this, bring the woman to me so I can judge her worthiness! Do not beat the woman as you would beat a slave girl.98

    And when the woman was brought before the feet of the saviour, Jesus said:

    Why do you not wear a veil to cover your body in the presence of strangers?”125,126

    noscarf.jpeg
    When Malak al-Shehri from Saudi Arabia went out without a veil, (in 2016AD!) some of her compatriots called for her execution. One response on twitter was: “”Kill her and throw her corpse to the dogs.” In a similar incident in 2017, the religious police tracked a woman down to question her. Saudi Arabia got re-elected to the UN Human Rights Council (on of the many useless and farcical UN organisations) in 2016.

    The woman responded that she saw no use in this, and that it was not the tradition of her people.

    Then Jesus saw the truth that was hidden in the heart of the woman, and he asked:

    “Why is it that you seek my help, tell the truth woman.”

    And the woman confessed that she was unhappy in her marriage, and that she wanted to leave her husband who mistreated her. And when she was asked if there were other witnesses of this abuse, she could name none.

    Then Peter laughed and he said:

    Then your words count as nothing, for the word of a man is worth double that of a woman and we cannot believe you over your husband.”128

    Then Jesus said:

    “This is true. Surely, this is why most of Hell’s inhabitants are women!135 It is your duty to obey your husband141. Now go back to him and live by his command.136 Women are too deficient in intelligence to make their own choices. 139

    And the woman did as was commanded. Then Jesus commanded Matthew to clean his hands, for he had touched a woman and therefore he had become unclean.130

    Comments:

    Much has been said about women’s rights in Islam. Some Islam-apologists like Linda Sarsour even claim that Islam and feminism are aligned. Well ladies, this is certainly true if you like being treated like property, never leaving the house without a veil and a male family member, receiving no due credit for your testimony in court, being denied higher education 174 (in Iran, women are not allowed to study certain topics like engineering, technology) and so on. As always: read the sources (see Islamic Sources) and please form your own opinion.

    Shariah law officer canes a woman
    The “moderate” Indonesia. Since 2016, even Christian women can be caned in public for infractions of Islamic morals.175

    From the news: it took the Tunisian government until 2017 to even start considering (!) giving muslim women the right to marry non-muslims, and to inherit in the same way as muslim men do.176 The country’s government was criticised for this “progressive” behaviour by Al-Azhar, the prestigious (and fundamentalist) Islamic university in Cairo.

    Image result for cleric television on beating wife
    The Egyptian cleric Mazen Al-Sarsawi promoted “wife beating” on Egyptian television in 2010 (source: MEMRI).

     

     

     

  • Chapter 16 : Spreading the sword
    sword.jpg
    Jesus leading the charge (based on: Battle of Poitiers, Charles de Steuben)

     

    (Matthew 10:1 -23)

    The next morning Jesus counted his followers and found that they were few.

    He went back to his tent in a bad mood and he called in his twelve disciples and said:

    “Our numbers are growing too slowly. This way we will never bring our conquest… ahum, I mean “message of salvation” to all the peoples in the world. From now on you will all travel and seek out the infidels and tell them to join our ranks, or pay us tribute8.

    And one of the disciples asked:

    “But what if they disobey us, o Lord?”

    And Jesus responded: “Then may God, praise be upon him, grant you the strength to fight them. And fight them until their disbelief is no more, and religion be only for God. But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers.103

    And he gave them authority over unclean spirits, so as to cast them out, and to heal every sickness and every disease (with camel urine!158).

    Twelve apostles Jesus sent out and he ordered them, saying, “Go wherever you can achieve victory. Go the Gentiles, the Samaritans, the house of Israel: it does not matter. Conquer them all!”

    “And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ And if you have to do battle with the infidels and you find yourselves victorious, then help yourselves to their gold and silver 9, their wives and their slaves . For the worker is worthy of his nourishment. And as you enter into a house, salute it. And if the house indeed is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, then let there be no peace until the inhabitants have submitted to our will.103

    And whoever will not receive you, nor hear your words, while departing that house or that city, shake off the dust of your feet. Truly I say to you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgement, than for that city, for we will soon return there with a mighty host and destroy every building and kill every unbeliever we may find.

    “See, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves wolves among sheep. Be therefore as wise as serpents, and pretend to be innocent as doves. But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues. But when they deliver you up, do not be anxious how or what you should say. You must lie if it is necessary to protect yourself, and deny that you are a Christian. 16

    But remember, this is only to fool the unbelievers. And if some of you will lose their faith and denounce me, then know that their lives are forfeit and you should punish them108. A brother should deliver up a brother to death if he became an apostate, and a father a child. And children should rise up against parents, and condemn them to death if they dare to leave the ranks of the faithful. And you will be hated by all men because of me, but he who endures to the end, he will be saved.

    But when they persecute you in this city, flee to the other, for truly I say to you, you will not have completed the cities of Israel till the Son of Man comes with his army to conquer all the lands of the infidels and reign over the whole world.

    coptic
    Christian Coptic Priest Father Samuel stands inside the St. Mousa church in Minya, Egypt, after followers of the Updated Gospel helped redecorate it as a sign of affection (2015).

     

     

    Comments:

    In the Gospel, Jesus sends his disciples to teach a message of peace throughout the land: as ‘sheep among wolves’. In the Quran and Hadiths, Muhammad sends his soldiers to raid and plunder. More like wolves among sheep, that is.

    The turning point for Islam came after 13 years of preaching. Muhammad realised he had only attracted a handful of followers in that time, so he changed his approach drastically. During the last ten years he organised military campaigns and forced the surrounding tribes into submission at the point of a sword. Apostasy became punishable by death (and according to polls many European muslims still agree with this).177

    His Quranic verses and speeches changed their tone around this time too: the later verses and Hadiths sanction war, pillaging and the rape of female slaves. We can imagine his movement started attracting a lot of violent young men which made his armies even more powerful. This recruitment tool is still in use nowadays by the “Islamic State” and other terror groups (Hamas, Boko Haram, …) ).

  • Chapter 17: Feeding the multitude (with the spoils of war)
    stealingjesus3.jpeg
    Jesus and his warband after the looting of a village.

    (Matthew 15:13-28)

    When Jesus heard the news of the murder of his friend, John the baptist, he went away by boat to a quiet place to be alone, but when the crowds learnt where he was, they followed him from the towns by land. As evening was approaching the disciples came to him and said, “This place is a wilderness and it’s getting late—send the crowds away so they can go to the villages and buy themselves food.”

    But Jesus told them, “They don’t need to leave- that would be a public relations nighmare. You give them something to eat!”

    “All we have here are five loaves and a couple of fish,” they replied.

    “Bring them to me,” said Jesus. He told the crowds to sit down on the grass. Then he took the five loaves and the two fish, looked up to heaven and said:

    “This is all we have to feed the faithful. But not far from here there is a village of unbelievers, and they have food in plenty. I ask of you, my disciples, are you not ashamed that the infidels can eat and that these men that follow me should be hungry?12

    And his disciples tore their clothes in shame and they swore:

    “By God, we will undo this injustice!”

    And the disciples Peter, John and Matthew each gathered a group of faithful and they went to the village of the infidels, and when they were ready they fell upon the village from three sides at once. And after they had punished those that opposed them and killed the adult men, they brought together all the children and women to be sold as slaves33,99, and  first they made them carry their food to Jesus.

    And when the Saviour saw their bounty, he was pleased and he blessed them.

    And they brought before the Lord the village elder and they asked him where he hid their valuables, but he did not answer. Therefore Jesus said:

    Torture him, until he does what is right.14

    Then Luke the apostle took a burning piece of wood and put it on the chest of the infidel, and when the man could no longer bear the pain he revealed the location of the village silver. Then Jesus sent Peter, his most beloved disciple, to collect the other valuables and ordered Luke to decapitate the village elder.

    After this he broke the loaves of bread into pieces and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. Everybody ate until they were full, and then they collected up the left-overs which filled twelve baskets. Those eating numbered about five thousand men, not counting women (for they do not count for much)127.

    When Jesus was about to retire, he saw a crying woman sitting next to the dead body of the village elder, and he asked: “Who is she?”

    And his followers told him it was the wife of the infidel. So Jesus said: “She is now a widow then, and a slave, so she can marry again. Bring her to me.14,85

    And his followers did what he commanded, and later Jesus took her into his tent and he was very pleased.

     

    Comments:

    In the original bible verses, Jesus shows his disciples that when people share their food with their neighbours, in the end all will have plenty to eat. In the Quranic verses and Ahadith from Muhammad’s later years, the prophet allows his disciples to loot and plunder in order to sustain themselves and capture bounty. And rape slaves, of course.

    The verses about sex with slaves76,85,86 form the theological basis for the terrible raping of captive women and children by the terrorists serving the Islamic State and other Islamic Terror militias (Boko Haram, Al Shabaab etcetera).

    The story about the torture of the village elder is no invention of mine: see for yourself on the “Islamic sources” page.

  • Chapter 18 : Wash my feet
    jesuspasha2.jpeg
    Jesus and his harem (based on: Francis Gabriel Lepaulle (French, 1804-1886) – The Pasha and his Harem)

     

    (John 13:5-8, Luke 9:58)

    After a feast the apostles stayed with Jesus in his tent for a while.
    There the Lord poured water in a basin. He came to Simon Peter, who asked Jesus, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

    Jesus smiled and said:

    “Of course not, you jester. You will be doing the washing. The son of man came to be served, not to serve. If you do not wash me, you won’t have anything to do with me,”

    And Peter got on his knees at once and washed Jesus’ feet, and so he pleased his lord.

    And afterwards Jesus said: “Tomorrow morning, take a slave and order him to build me a pulpit, so I can preach tomorrow evening.” And Peter arranged it, and had a beautiful pulpit made for the son of God by one of his slaves.74

    Jesus then became tired so he sent the disciples away, “Foxes have their dens, and wild birds have their nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere even to lay down his head has his own luxurious tent. Now send some of my slaves to spend the night with me and leave me.” And they did as he wished.

    Comments:

    In the original verses Jesus shows that he does not expect to be treated like a king or live in luxury, but would gladly wash the feet of his followers. Muhammad’s later life was different: he lived like a rich warlord, surrounded by many wives and with an army at his command. He was not really the ‘let-me-wash-your-feet’ kind of person.

  • Chapter 19 : Onwards to Jerusalem
    jesusdavid.jpeg
    Jesus riding to Jerusalem (based on: Napoleon crossing the alps, Jacques-Louis David). Multicultural Jesus was a cunning general, leading his conquering armies to victory in many battles and raids.

    (Matthew 20:17-19)

    As Jesus went to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and on the way he told them, “Look, we’re going to Jerusalem, and the Son of man will be betrayed to the chief priests and religious teachers, and they will condemn him to death. Then he’ll be handed over to the Gentiles to mock him, whip him, and crucify him.”

    And his disciples were worried, and cried out loud: “Lord will this be the end?”

    And Jesus smiled and said :” Do yo not know me by now, my faithful friends? Do you think I will be so easily taken? Our enemies are in for a surprise, for surely I have knowledge of their plans and with the help of God my father, blessed be His name, we will have victory over the infidels.20 So rest assured now, and know that soon all will be decided.”

    Comments:

    Jesus saw his end coming but kept true to his beliefs about non-violence, walking into the trap with eyes wide open. Muhammad – on many occasions – used deceit to conquer and defeat his enemies: when he was in a position of weakness he made treaties to avoid catastrophe, only to break these same treaties once his position became better (e.g., he made a 10 year truce with the Hudaibiya tribe of Mecca to be allowed free movement, only to break the truce after 2 years and conquer the city).27

  • Chapter 20 : Trading slaves
    slavery2.jpeg
    Jesus selling his sex-slave (Based on The Slave Market by Jean-Léon Gérôme)

    (Matthew 20: 25-28)

    When they had almost reached Jerusalem, they came upon a caravan of foreign traders. And the apostle Peter said to the strangers:

    “Halt friends, and behold your Lord, the Son of man and the king of the whole world.”

    But when they were asked to kneel before their Saviour, and pay their poll tax8 as all infidels should, they refused and spat on the ground.

    In their insolence they showed insulting pictures of Jesus that they had made155. On seeing this the disciples drew their swords and pierced the infidels, and in doing so they avenged the honour of the Lord.50

    charliehebdo.jpeg
    Islamists Followers of the updated gospel murdered the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo in response to their constant mockery of Muhammad Jesus

    And some of the infidels surrendered and begged for mercy, and the disciples asked what to do. And Jesus called his soldiers to him and spoke:

    “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles dominate their people and those in power tyrannize them. It won’t be like that for you. For you are the faithful, and only good will come your way. As for the infidels, if they oppose our will, they will be made slaves99,100: even the greatest and the first among them will be our servant. As I said before: I did not come to serve, but to be served. After all, if God above decides that it is someone’s faith to be a servant, who are we to ignore his will?”61

    And so they were made slaves to serve the faithful. The disciples selected the strongest men and women among them, so they could breed even better slaves79. And because by then night had fallen, Jesus ordered his disciples to find a place to rest. Soon they found an inn where bedding and food could be bought, but only the best rooms were still available.

    And Jesus said: “This is fitting, for only the best rooms are worthy to receive the Son of God.”

    But the innkeeper said the rooms would cost 10 talents of silver. Because Jesus did not want to part with the silver, he said:

    “Surely, there are other ways to pay you?

    And the innkeeper agreed to be paid with a slave, but that price was too steep, so Jesus said:

    I will give you one of our black slaves, as they are only worth half the price of a normal slave.”90

    And then they agreed. When the Son of Man had finished eating, he retired to his room with the disciples, and they made plans for the coming days to outwit the enemies of God, and conquer Jerusalem. By morning all arrangements were made.

    slavesisis.jpg
    Sex slaves brought to market in the Updated Christian State of Iraq and the Levant (2016). Following the example of Jesus, of course…

     

     

    Comments:

    In this chapter of the Gospel, Jesus tells his disciples that he will not tyrannize other people. Mohammed on the other hand was a slave owner and slave trader. Apparently he thought the worth of black slaves was less than the worth of white slaves.

    In muslim majority countries like Saudi Arabia some (often Asian) housemaids and unskilled workers are still treated as quasi-slaves by their petro-dollar bosses. True slavery still exists (anno 2017) in North Africa (The Islamic Republic of Mauritania). Based on the behaviour of the “Noble Example” Muhammad, the capturing of (sex-) slaves can hardly be prohibited, which partly explains the actions of the terror groups ISIS, Boko Haram et al.

    The part about the breeding of slaves is straight from the Quran. Please check it out for yourself. I’ll repeat it, because it’s important that this sinks in: the Quran, the holy and unchangeable word of Allah, contains tips on how to breed your slaves.

  • Chapter 21 : Jesus at the Temple
    jesusenteringjerusalem.jpg
    Jesus entering Jerusalem (based on: Entry Of The Turks Of Mohammed II Into Constantinople by Benjamin Constant)

    (Matthew 21:1-13, Matthew 22:15-22)

    Jesus and his disciples came close to Jerusalem, entering Bethphage beside the Mount of Olives. Jesus sent two disciples, telling them, “Go into the village up ahead and right away you’ll find a mighty stallion. Untie him and bring him to me. And if anyone says anything to you, just say ‘The Lord needs it,’ and they will send them immediately, for it is our lawful bounty9. If they do not, make them an offer they cannot refuse. You know what we do to those people who oppose us.67

    The disciples went and did as Jesus told them. They brought back the stallion. They spread their coats on the animal, and he sat on it.

    When Jesus arrived in Jerusalem, the whole city was in turmoil, with people asking “Who is this?”

    “This is the conqueror Jesus, the one who comes from Nazareth in Galilee,” the crowds replied. “They say he has never lost one battle!”

    On his way to the temple the Lord passed some artists who were singing and playing music, and he ordered his disciples to scourge them and chase them away, and he said: “It’s better that our dear youth spend their valuable time in learning useful skills and fill their time with healthy recreations instead of music.”154

    Jesus then went in to the temple of God, and threw out all the people trading there. He overturned the money-changers’ tables, and the seats of the dove-sellers, and told them, “You’ve turned my house into a robbers’ den, so you must pay my share of your profits: a fifth of your possessions will be mine.72’” And the traders were scared by Jesus and his warband, so they complied. When the faitfhul left the temple that day, God’s warchest was filled to the brink with gold and silver, and they used it to buy many arms and distributed it among the faithful. When they saw some priests who tried to repair the damage to the temple, the disciples of Jesus stopped them:

    “As long as this temple does not worship Jesus, it is forbidden to repair it!”160

    Then the Pharisees became afraid, and they went and plotted how they could trap him by what he said. They sent to him their disciples together with representatives of Herod’s party.

    “Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man, and you truly teach God’s way,” they began. “So please tell us what you think. Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?

    Jesus knew their evil intentions, and asked them, “Why are you trying to test me, you hypocrites? Show me the money used to pay the tax.” They brought a denarius coin to him. “Whose image and whose name is this?” he asked them.
    “Caesar’s,” they replied.

    “And who is Caesar?” Asked Jesus

    “The emperor of course” they answered. Then Jesus said:

    “Know this: give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar I am the king of all the world, by the power of God, and so the emperor is but my servant. Nothing really belongs to Caesar, for he is my subject and he will soon bow to me.103” And he took the coin from them and did not give it back, for he regarded it as the poll tax of the infidels.

    When they saw this they were astonished, and left Jesus. After this encounter, they were even more afraid, for they saw now what ambition the Son of God really had, and they began plotting his downfall even more.

    Image result for coptic church destruction
    When the Islamist president of Egypt  (Morsi) was deposed by the army in 2013, his fundamentalist supporters took revenge by burning and looting about 64 churches in Egypt.178 Repairing or building churches in Egypt can be problematic: the authorities often refuse to give permission (as per Islamic tradition). 179

     

    Comments:

    I somehow doubt that the rich warlord Muhammad would have entered Jerusalem on a simple donkey, so in this version the ride becomes a noble stallion. It is described in the Quran that a fifth of all war bounty should go to the Prophet (and later the Caliph).

    The verse about disallowing the “repair of the temple” is an important one: in many territories conquered by muslims, churches became ruins because of laws against repairing “infidel places of worship”. In some conservative muslim countries (eg. Saudi Arabia) it is still forbidden (or suicidal) to build churches.

    In the real Gospel, Jesus makes it clear that he’s not interested in earthly possessions. He makes a distinction between secular authority (“give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar”) and divine rule. This distinction has always existed in Christianity.

    Not so in Islam: the early rulers of the muslim worlds (the Caliphs) held religious authority as well as secular. The Quran and Hadiths also transcend purely moral principles and go into extreme detail about matters of daily life (inheritance law, commercial rules, family law, …). The holy texts of islam are not meant to coexist with other laws. They are meant to replace them.

    This is the “genius” of traditional Islam: it is an aggressive political ideology of conquest, posing as a religion when its believers are in a position of weakness. Once in a position of strength, all moral values may be discarded: murder, lying, stealing are allowed if it benefits the cause.

     

  • Chapter 22 : The Ambush
    ak.jpeg
    Jesus arming his followers (based on “Christ and the Rich Young Ruler” by Heinrich Hofmann, 1989)

    (Matthew 26:36, Matthew 26 40-50)

    Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane and told them, “Sit down here while I go over there and pray. And know that the beginning of the end is upon us”

    While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the twelve, arrived with a large mob armed with swords and clubs. They’d been sent by the chief priests and elders of the people. The betrayer had given them a signal: “The one that I kiss, that’s him—arrest him,” he’d told them.

    Right away he came up to Jesus, and said, “Hello, Rabbi,” and kissed him.

    “My friend, do what you came to do,” Jesus said to Judas. So they came and tried to arrest Jesus, but soon they would realise their mistake, for Christ is the best of schemers. 20

    (Matthew 26: 55 – 56)

    Then Jesus told the crowds, “Have you come with swords and clubs to arrest me as if I were a robber? Every day I was sitting in the temple teaching and you didn’t arrest me. But all this has happened to fulfill what the prophets wrote.”

    Then he made a sign with his hand and all the disciples drew their swords, for Jesus had made sure that they were armed.51 From behind the trees many others came who had been waiting to defend their Saviour, and so the trap was sprung. 20

     

    Comments:

    In the original verses Jesus watches his friends and followers abandon him in his hour of need. This was inevitable: he had just forbidden them to draw their weapons in his defence (Matthew 26:51-54). In the Quran (4:102) the believers are asked to keep their weapons with them, even in places of worship, and be ready for a fight. In recent conflicts Mosques have often been used to stockpile weaponry or as vantage points in battle. This is in serious contrast with most Christian churches and monasteries because these are traditionally held to be sanctuaries from all forms of violence.

  • Chapter 23 : Suicide missions
    jesusuicide.jpeg
    Christ the Exploder (based on Christ The Consoler by Carl Bloch)

    (John 18:7-8)

    He asked them once more, “Who are you looking for?”
    “Jesus of Nazareth,” they said again.
    “I already told you that I am he,” Jesus replied. “If you are looking for me, then you can let these others go you will have to pass over the fallen bodies of my disciples115. For they know that their bounty in paradise will be rich.119 My father will reward them with beautiful virgins to please them and their members will never be flaccid!”120

    And so many of his followers came to his aid and shielded the Saviour with their bodies. Each time a soldier came near Jesus, a faithful servant of our Lord came forward and was cut down in his stead.

    bibleclass.jpg
    What did you learn in bible class today, little Timmy?

    Comments:

    In the real Gospel of John, Jesus asks his enemies to let the disciples go in peace and gives himself up as a prisoner. When Muhammad was about to be captured in the battle of Uhud he asked his companions to stand between them and the enemy115. He promised them they would reach paradise in doing so. Seven of the nine soldiers who defended him died, shielding their leader. This is but one of the many verses in the Quran and Hadiths that ask muslims to fight the infidels – if necessary until death.

    What about the 72 virgins the martyrs will receive in paradise? The Quran does not mention them, but some reliable Hadiths do (see for yourself in the appendix).119

  • Chapter 24 : Judas, the apostate
    johnjesus2.jpeg
    Jesus accepting the head of Judas (based on Salome with the Head of John the Baptist by Caravaggio, National Gallery, London, c. 1607–10).

    (Matthew 26:51-54)

    Then one of those with Jesus reached for his sword and pulled it out, and struck the high priest’s servant, cutting off his ear.

    And Jesus said to him,

    Put your sword away. Everyone who picks up a sword will die by the sword.

    “Lift your sword once more, my disciple. Everyone who picks up a sword for our faith will please the Lord of the Heavens7,8. Don’t you think I can’t ask my Father, and he’d send right now more than twelve legions of angels? But it is not necessary:  our enemies will be vanquished through the efforts of the believers, and in this way will the scriptures be fulfilled. Now strike them all, and leave none of the infidels alive.”

    And after Jesus spoke these words, his disciples jumped to his defense and killed the unbelievers, and their heads were severed from their bodies. The tide of the battle turned quickly, and the enemies of the true faith became afraid, but it was too late for them. And then Peter went to Judas who tried to escape, and he said:

    “You fool, our spies are everywhere. Why did you think you could betray us, you apostate. You have left the true religion.” And he cut off the head of Iscariot and he threw it at the feet of Jesus, and the Lord blessed him for it.111

    Comments:

    In the original Bible, Jesus is meekly captured and led to the slaughter. From all the previous chapters we have by now learned that this would never happen to Muhammad. There are numerous verses in the Quran and Hadiths that call for war against the infidels. Muhammad himself led military expeditions in the later years of his life. The idea that Islam is in its origins peaceful seems truly absurd if you have but elementary knowledge about its early history and about the Quran and Hadiths.

    As for apostasy: Islam is probably the only religion in the world where apostates are to be beheaded. Anno 2017 there were still eight countries that consider apostasy a capital offense punishable by death (Afghanistan, Brunei, Mauritania, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Yemen). All Islamic, of course. In reliable Hadiths, Muhammad himself gave thanks to Allah when his soldiers brought him the head of an apostate. 45

  • Chapter 25: Punish your enemies
    jesustorture.jpeg
    Updated Jesus torturing his prisoner (from: Triptic of the martyrdom of St Hippolyte, Hugo van der Goes)

     

    (Matthew 26:51-54)

    And in this way the followers of Jesus were victorious over their enemies. Some of the disbelievers were caught and brought to him (the Son of God). He commanded about them, and their hands and feet were cut off and their eyes were gouged and then they were thrown in the sun, until they died.47 And since then, the mount of olives is named the mountain of the dead infidels.

    If there would be a world championship for gruesome executions, followers of the Updated Gospel would easily win (from: ISIS execution of alleged spies, 2015). People who joined this terror group and returned to Sweden were not incarcerated for life, but “given help” to reintegrate in society.

    But while the soldiers of Christ were browsing the bodies to look for arms and valuablesC, Peter came to Jesus and said:

    “Oh Lord, praise be upon you, we have a great victory here today. But tomorrow the High Priest will know of it, and surely he will come with the Roman soldiers and they will try to kill us all. We must flee, or I fear for your life.”

    But Jesus smiled and said: “Have faith in me, my most faitfhul disciple. Wars are not won through strength alone. We will proceed with caution and deceit.

    And he called all his closest followers to him and told them about his secret plans.20

    Comments:

    By now we know Muhammad as a warlord who was prepared to lie and deceive to attain his goal, so I made Jesus behave in this way to make the story more “compatible”. Just victory in battle was not enough: reliable Hadiths describe that Muhammad ordered the gruesome torture and execution of his conquered enemies. Islamic terrorists use these texts to explain their extreme human rights violations: the terror militia “Islamic State” used to slowly decapitate prisoners with knives or burn them alive.

  • Chapter 26: The crucifixion
    crucifixion2.jpeg
    Jesus piercing Pontius Pilate (based on Piercing of Christ’s Side, Fra Angelico, ca. 1400-1455. )

    (Matthew 26: 57 – 74, Book of Revelations (Seals, Eden restored))

    The next morning Jesus was escorted by heavily armed soldiers to the home of Caiaphas, the high priest, where the religious teachers and elders were gathered. The leader of these soldiers said he had captured Jesus, the false prophet, and would bring him to justice. Peter followed him at a distance, and went into the courtyard of the high priests, and sat with the guards to see how it would end up.

    The chief priests and the whole council were trying to find some false evidence against Jesus so they could have him killed.

    The high priest said to Jesus, “I place you under oath by the living God—tell us if you are the Christ, the son of God.”

    “You said so,” Jesus replied. “And I also tell you that from now on you’ll see the Son of man sitting at the right hand of the One with power, and coming on the clouds of heaven.”

    Then the high priest tore his clothes, and said, “He blasphemed! Why do we need any witness? Look, you heard blasphemy right now! What’s your decision?”

    “He deserves to die!”, they answered. Then they spat in his face and beat him up. Some of them slapped him with their hands, and said, “Prophesy to us, you ‘Christ’—who just hit you?”

    Meanwhile Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard, and a servant girl came up to him, and said, “You were with Jesus the Galilean too!” But he denied it in front of everyone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. And right away the cock crowed.

    This was the signal all had been waiting for.

    The soldier who had pretended to be Jesus’ captor, was in fact the disciple Matthew in disguise. He drew his sword and slew the last man who had hit Jesus 30.

    Meanwhile in the courtyard the High Priest’s guards saw a large group of Jesus’ followers running towards the gates of the Temple to enter there. But before the soldiers could close the gates, Peter and a group of the strongest believers came towards them. They threw away their tunics and revealed the armour underneath, and then grabbed the swords and clubs they had hidden and killed all the guards. Through the temple gates the victorious army of Christ now marched in, and quickly they captured the Inner Sanctuary.

    Then Jesus ordered a handmade and beautifully carved throne to be brought in74, encrusted with gold and precious stones, and he sat upon it as the King of Man and Saviour of the world.

    They threw the high priest and council elders before his feet and asked what to do with them.

    “They were a thorn in our thigh, so let them feel the thorns now,” said Jesus, and his followers scourged the priests with thorny branches until the temple floors were all bloodied. And shortly thereafter came John the apostle with a large band of armed men and he said:

    “Oh Lord, I have a great present for you.”

    And he made a naked man kneel on the floor before Jesus. And Jesus smiled and lifted the man’s bloodied head so he could recognise him. Surely it was Pontius Pilate, the leader of the Romans in Jerusalem. Then Jesus saw the infidel’s blood had sullied his hands, so he asked for some water to wash it away.

    Jesus sat down on his throne and spoke: “Our victory is now complete!”.

    And there was much cheering and rejoicing among his followers.

    “What shall we do with these infidels?” asked Peter.

    And Jesus answered: “The punishment of those who wage war against the true faith and its messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides.50 And today, I feel like crucifying.”

    And so it was that Pontius Pilate and the high priest were driven through the streets of Jerusalem, and brought to a place called Golgotha while carrying a cross. And then they were crucified as an example to show the world the fate of all those who oppose the Christ.

    And the next day the armies of the Lord sallied forth from the gates of Jerusalem to bring his reign to all the lands of the world. Then the kings of the earth, the princes, the generals, the rich, the mighty, and everyone else, both slave and free, hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. They called to the mountains and the rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of Jesus!”

    But there was no mercy, and the the stones and trees said “O Christians, there is an infidel behind me, come and kill him.” 70 And the believers put all to the sword until there was no more disbelief.103

    Then the angel came and showed me the river of blood flowing from the throne of God and of the Christ, down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood pikes carrying the heads of the infidels.
    No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.
    They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.
    There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And the Lord will destroy all the crosses and kill all the pigs, and convert all to the true faith. 159  There are now only those who believe in the Religion of Peace. And they will reign for ever and ever.

    Amen

    Comments:

    The grand finale. If Jesus would have been a ruthless warlord like Muhammad, he would have rallied his supporters and formed an army instead of being executed. In this liberal adaptation of the last chapters of the gospel, I have Jesus deceive his enemies and – as a form of poetic justice – order their scourging and crucifixion (this last punishment is mentioned in the Quran itself ). Instead of Pilate washing his hands in innocence, our protagonist washes his hands sullied by Pilates’ blood.

    In the end, Jesus “breaks the crosses” and converts all to Islam. This is no invention of mine: it’s straight from Hadiths about Islamic eschatology. In his description of the “end of times”, Muhammad invents stories about how Jesus was in fact a muslim. 159

    The last parts of this adaptation are based on the book of revelations. This apocalyptical text resonates with the the events of the first century after Muhammad’s death in AD 632. In a swift series of wars, the Muslim armies destroyed one nation after another and imposed their rule by the sword throughout the Middle East and North Africa.

    The expansion slowed down around AD 750, but regained momentum in the east with the massacres of Tamerlane (1336 – 1405).

    Image result for tamerlane skull towers
    Tamerlane was said to have erected towers of skulls. (The image has nothing to do with him: it’s the formidable The Apotheosis of War by Vasily Vereshchagin)

    In the west it were the Ottomans who continued the conquests, culminating in the fall of Constantinopel (AD 1453) and the brutal subjugation of the Balkans. The high water mark of the Ottoman caliphates’ European conquests was in AD 1683, when a Christian army (mainly consisting of Austrians and Poles) defeated the invading army before the gates of Vienna in the nick of time.

    In the following centuries the Islamic world gradually lost its influence on the world stage, partly because of the enormous scientific differences between the industrialising European societies and the much more static, traditional cultures in the Middle East. The importance of the islamic world grew once more in the 20th century because of the addiction of Western economies to fossil fuels. The balance of power is shifting.

    And now a new type of conquest is underway: thanks to the enormous capacity for empathy and charity that we find in the modern day Western world, enormous waves of immigrants are trying to reach Europe and the USA in a desperate attempt to leave their war-torn and economically dysfunctional nations. However, these immigrants are holding on to Islam, one of the main roots of their home countries’ demises in the first place. Many of them are not integrating well in their host societies, forming small enclaves where Arabic is spoken on the street and unveiled women are harassed. Some areas have become veritable no-go zones.180

    Image result for refugee crisis germany escorted by police
    The 2015 refugee crisis (engineered by Angela Merkel, praise be upon her) saw massive columns of (mostly male) refugees entering Europe.

    Let us hope that the teachings in this satirical “Gospel adaptation” may not one day become the foundations of Western moral values – as they are now for many devout muslims around the world.

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