Foreword

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All religions are the same! Saying otherwise makes you a bigot.

And you don’t want to be a bigot, right?

So stop thinking and accept the new truth:

Islam = Christianity
Fourteen centuries of war = Peace
Religious hate = Love
Closing your eyes = Seeing the truth

As for the gospels, they need a serious overhaul to make them more “multicultural”. Forget all you thought to know about the life of Jesus. You are now holding the new and corrected version of the Christian Bible, ready for an exciting 21st century! It’s even better than the previous falsification update.

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Children everywhere are being taught the updated message of Christ! (Source: Sharia protests by Islamic fundamentalists in the Middle East).

Not only is this book now finally compliant with all forms of progressive and islamic ideology, you’ll find that it lacks all the dull parts of the original and was enriched with some saucy and thrilling new stories! I hope this Updated Gospel will inspire you to lead a better life.

PS: click here for the real foreword

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Introduction

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Jesus and his disciples roaming the land (based on Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (1887), Viktor Mikhailovich Vasnetsov)

(Matthew 1:1, Matthew 4:23-24)

This is the written record of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham, as recorded by Muhammad, praised be his name.

Jesus travelled throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and telling the good news of the kingdom, and healing all the people from their diseases and illnesses with camel urine158. News about him went all over Syria, and they brought to him everyone who was sick, tormented by seizures, demon-possessed, mentally ill, paralyzed—and he healed them (but only if they were Christians)66.

Chapter 1: The first stone

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Jesus throwing the first stone (Based on The Martyrdom of St. Stephen by Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld)

 (John 8:3-7)

One day, the religious teachers and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught committing adultery and made her stand centre stage. “Teacher, we found this woman in the very act of adultery,” they told him. “Moses in the Law commanded us to stone such people to death. So what do you say?”

But Jesus just bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. Since they went on demanding an answer, he stood up and told them:

“Let your innocent one cast the first stone onto her.”Let each of you take a stone from the ground, not too big that it will kill immediately, but not too small so that is not a stone”6.

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In the Christian republic of Afghanistan, devout Updated Evangelists are punishing a young woman (Rokhshana, 19) for adultery (2015).

And the Pharisees and his disciples complied, and they took the adulterer to the place of worship and placed her in the middle of an open place, and Jesus said:

Now throw your stones to undo this evil”, and having heard these words, those around him started casting their stones.

The man who had partaken in the fornication stood by and on hearing the screams of his beloved one, rushed to her side and tried to shield her body, but there were too many believers trying to please their Lord and soon the two adulterers succumbed next to one another5.

And when they were both covered with stones and sure to be dead, Jesus blessed the people around him, and then he retired with his disciples, who were pleased to have performed this holy act.

 

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Sometimes, fundamentalists only flog adulterers, lucky them! (from: 2015 punishment of adulturess in Afghanistan).

 

Comments:

The relaxed attitude of Jesus (in the real gospel) towards the unfaithful woman stands in stark contrast to the punishment in Islamic law. The Quran does not prescribe stoning as a punishment for any crime (but mentions lashing as punishment for adultery). However, numerous Hadiths contain stoning as a punishment for adultery2 3 4 .

As for empirical evidence: Saudi Arabia executed four people by stoning during the 1980s. Iran placed a moratorium on rajm (stoning) in 2002 but still allows individual judges to pass the sentence. By the way: the story about the man shielding his mistress is no invention of mine: this is straight from the Hadiths (Sahih Bukhari 6:60:795 ).

Chapter 2 : Fishers of men

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Jesus Christ: the scourge of the seven seas (Based on Tintoretto, Jacopo – Christ at the Sea of Galilee)

(Matthew 4:8)

As he walked by the sea of Galilea Jesus saw two brothers: Simon, (called Peter), and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net in the sea, for they were fishermen.

“Come and follow me, and I will make you fishers of men,” he told them. Right away they left their nets and followed him and his companions.

And they boarded a mighty ship and sailed many days on the high seas, until they came upon a lone merchantman carrying precious cargo. And then Jesus distributed eyelaps and cutlasses, and strange talking birds to put on their shoulders and he spoke:

“Raise now our black flag, so it may strike terror in our enemies’ hearts. 37

And the sailors of the other ship saw this sign, and they said to one another: “Lo and behold! It is the ship of the Christ! All that oppose him are doomed!”

And they struggled with their captain and after some time forced him to strike his colours, and to give themselves up unto the mercy of the Christians. And Jesus boarded the ship and demanded the captain be brought before him.

“Why did you not surrender immediately, knowing I am the son of God?”

And the captain in his arrogance responded: “I pray to a different God, and you are not his son.”

And Peter punished the blasphemer for his insolence with a swift stroke of his sword, and then brought his head before the feet of the Saviour45. And Jesus said: “This is a ship of unbelievers, therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.37” And so it happened, and it pleased the Lord.

Belowdecks his followers found many treasures, and also some women who had hidden themselves. “And what are we to do now with these goods, Lord?” Asked Andrew the apostle.

“So enjoy what you took as booty; the spoils are lawful and good.9

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Some modern day adherents of the Updated Gospel are following in the footsteps 163 of their Noble Example. (Picture of a modern-day somalian pirate)

But his disciples were worried:

“Lord, we have been at sea for some time now, and would like to rape these female slaves – as is our custom77. But if we get them pregnant their price will fall! Should we perform coitus interruptus?”

And Jesus said: “If you rape your slaves, you should not withdraw too soon86. If God wants them to become pregnant, you should not go against his will!”

In 2014, terror militia “Boko Haram” abducted 276 schoolgirls. 164 They were forced to convert to the Religion of Peace and sexually abused (some became pregnant).

After they had enjoyed themselves with their sex-slaves, the Christians resumed their journey. On a certain day all wind failed them. They were alone for many days on a sea with no waves. At this time, all suffered terrible thirst, and his disciples asked him:

“Lord can you not perform a miracle, and walk across the water and get us some relief.”

And the Saviour responded:

“Why would I walk on the water if my Father in heaven has sent me all that I need right here, ye of little faith.” And he asked that they should bring him one of the captured women, and Jesus spent the night with her 75.

And the next day the winds came again and all rejoiced, and they went on to do God’s work on many other ships before they returned home. And the Lord’s bounty was so plentiful, they had to hide many treasures in chests on the beaches of faraway islands.

Comments:

Piracy and slave trading are old traditions in the Islamic world. One of the first foreign wars of the young United States was against the North African nations called the “Barbary States”, who captured American merchantmen and enslaved them. When asked why they were hostile to a country that had caused them no harm, the Barbary emissary allegedly responded they based their actions on Islamic teachings (text copied from wikipedia.com):

It was written in their Koran, that all nations which had not acknowledged the Prophet were sinners, whom it was the right and duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave; and that every mussulman who was slain in this warfare was sure to go to paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy’s ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once.”

The Barbary pirates asked for a ransom. Thomas Jefferson refused and war soon followed. The US Marine Corps ‘ officers wear Mameluke swords to commemorate this conflict, and there’s a reference to it in the Marine Hymn as well (“From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, …”.

Decatur Boarding the Tripolitan Gunboat, by Dennis M. Carter (Scene from the first Barbary war)

If you think I’m exaggerating with the “coitus interruptus” story: cfr Sahih Bukhari (34:432). The Sahih Bukhari is considered to be the most valuable collection of Hadiths  in Sunni islam.

Chapter 3 : The sermon on the mount

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Based on The sermon of the mount, by Bloch

(Matthew 4: 23,25, Matthew 5:1-12:)

Jesus continued his travels throughout Galilee. Large crowds follow him from Galilee, Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea, and the region beyond Jordan.

When Jesus saw the crowds he went up the mountain. He sat down and his disciples joined him. He started to teach them, saying:

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Chapter 5 : Hate your enemies

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Followers of the Updated Gospel frequently help people from other faiths by redecorating places of worship (Scene after the bombing of St. Peter’s and St. Paul’s church, Cairo, 2016)

(Matthew 5:43-48)

“You’ve heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.”  Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  This is the truth8. You must put all your efforts in the Holy War. And so, you may become children of your heavenly Father.

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