Chapter 2 : Fishers of men

Jesus Christ: the scourge of the seven seas (Based on Tintoretto, Jacopo – Christ at the Sea of Galilee)

(Matthew 4:8)

As he walked by the sea of Galilea Jesus saw two brothers: Simon, (called Peter), and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net in the sea, for they were fishermen.

“Come and follow me, and I will make you fishers of men,” he told them. Right away they left their nets and followed him and his companions.

And they boarded a mighty ship and sailed many days on the high seas, until they came upon a lone merchantman carrying precious cargo. And then Jesus distributed eyelaps and cutlasses, and strange talking birds to put on their shoulders and he spoke:

“Raise now our black flag, so it may strike terror in our enemies’ hearts. 37

And the sailors of the other ship saw this sign, and they said to one another: “Lo and behold! It is the ship of the Christ! All that oppose him are doomed!”

And they struggled with their captain and after some time forced him to strike his colours, and to give themselves up unto the mercy of the Christians. And Jesus boarded the ship and demanded the captain be brought before him.

“Why did you not surrender immediately, knowing I am the son of God?”

And the captain in his arrogance responded: “I pray to a different God, and you are not his son.”

And Peter punished the blasphemer for his insolence with a swift stroke of his sword, and then brought his head before the feet of the Saviour45. And Jesus said: “This is a ship of unbelievers, therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.37” And so it happened, and it pleased the Lord.

Belowdecks his followers found many treasures, and also some women who had hidden themselves. “And what are we to do now with these goods, Lord?” Asked Andrew the apostle.

“So enjoy what you took as booty; the spoils are lawful and good.9

Related image
Some modern day adherents of the Updated Gospel are following in the footsteps 163 of their Noble Example. (Picture of a modern-day somalian pirate)

But his disciples were worried:

“Lord, we have been at sea for some time now, and would like to rape these female slaves – as is our custom77. But if we get them pregnant their price will fall! Should we perform coitus interruptus?”

And Jesus said: “If you rape your slaves, you should not withdraw too soon86. If God wants them to become pregnant, you should not go against his will!”

In 2014, terror militia “Boko Haram” abducted 276 schoolgirls. 164 They were forced to convert to the Religion of Peace and sexually abused (some became pregnant).

After they had enjoyed themselves with their sex-slaves, the Christians resumed their journey. On a certain day all wind failed them. They were alone for many days on a sea with no waves. At this time, all suffered terrible thirst, and his disciples asked him:

“Lord can you not perform a miracle, and walk across the water and get us some relief.”

And the Saviour responded:

“Why would I walk on the water if my Father in heaven has sent me all that I need right here, ye of little faith.” And he asked that they should bring him one of the captured women, and Jesus spent the night with her 75.

And the next day the winds came again and all rejoiced, and they went on to do God’s work on many other ships before they returned home. And the Lord’s bounty was so plentiful, they had to hide many treasures in chests on the beaches of faraway islands.


Piracy and slave trading are old traditions in the Islamic world. One of the first foreign wars of the young United States was against the North African nations called the “Barbary States”, who captured American merchantmen and enslaved them. When asked why they were hostile to a country that had caused them no harm, the Barbary emissary allegedly responded they based their actions on Islamic teachings (text copied from

It was written in their Koran, that all nations which had not acknowledged the Prophet were sinners, whom it was the right and duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave; and that every mussulman who was slain in this warfare was sure to go to paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy’s ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once.”

The Barbary pirates asked for a ransom. Thomas Jefferson refused and war soon followed. The US Marine Corps ‘ officers wear Mameluke swords to commemorate this conflict, and there’s a reference to it in the Marine Hymn as well (“From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, …”.

Decatur Boarding the Tripolitan Gunboat, by Dennis M. Carter (Scene from the first Barbary war)

If you think I’m exaggerating with the “coitus interruptus” story: cfr Sahih Bukhari (34:432). The Sahih Bukhari is considered to be the most valuable collection of Hadiths  in Sunni islam.